Regrets
by Ranger-Nova
Summary: "There are 49 Gods in our Pantheon, Vir. To tell you the truth, I've never really believed in any of them. But if just one of them exists… then God sings with that voice."


**A/N:**Hello, this is Ranger-Nova, an avid B5 fan who's finally gotten around to writing a story about her favourite character, Londo Mollari. This is set directly after "The Coming of Shadows", and is based on an incident Vir recounts in "Sleeping in Light".

My apologies if there are any errors - I've only just begun my B5 rewatch, so I'm still getting re-acquainted with the series.

* * *

Step after step echoed through the dim hallway as he and Vir walked together, heading... somewhere. The place was unimportant - he couldn't even remember it at this moment. His mind was filled with other thoughts, thoughts which were pleasing on the surface but frightening the more he contemplated them. A sense of darkness and dread seemed to have fallen over him, and neither he nor Vir spoke as they walked.

_Everything is going well - our plan worked. We are finally reclaiming our true place in the universe, and Refa has ensured we have the right people in positions of power back home. I should be happy, yes? _He sighed. _Then why do I feel as if something terribly, terribly bad has happened? _

The late emperor's words floated back to him._ "You're both damned." _He and Refa were both damned... both damned... both damned...

_But what we are doing is for the good of our people! Why should we be damned for bringing the Centauri back to their former glory? Why should we be damned for killing a few worthless Narns? Why should we be damned for any of this? It makes no sense! _And yet, deep down, he knew the emperor's words were true.

He walked on, his face clouded with fear, frustration, and anger, while Vir followed behind him, frowning sombrely. Londo knew Vir disapproved of his actions - the loyal aide had begged him not to go through with the attack on the Narn colony - but he had ignored him. _Did I do the right thing? _he wondered, then shook his head. _No, now is not the time for regrets or doubts. What's done is done. _

Suddenly, as they made their way through the Alien sector, something caused Londo to stop. Holding up his hand, he motioned for Vir to pause too. "What is that sound?"

The aide listened for a moment. "It... it sounds like singing."

"Singing?" Shaking his head in disbelief, Londo listened again. The sound was a low wail that rose every few seconds to high note, then dropped again, then rose, then dropped. Occasionally it stopped altogether and was replaced by rhythmic chanting, which would gradually get lower and lower until it morphed back into a wail. There was something mystical and soulful about it that Londo found both beautiful and disconcerting. "How can that be singing?" he asked. "It sounds as if it is coming from the Pak'Ma'Ras' quarters."

Vir frowned thoughtfully. "I think... I think I remember hearing that during their religious period, the Pak'Ma'Ra sing together - but they only do it once a year." He shrugged, a thoughtful smile playing across his lips. "I never would have imagined they could sing so beautifully."

The ambassador nodded. "It is quite a surprise indeed." His words were soft, and they seemed strangely stilted. Vir was almost sure he caught a note of sadness in them.

_I don't believe I've ever heard anything quite like this... How is it they can put so much beauty into a simple sound? So much love for whatever god they serve... I do not understand it. _He closed his eyes as a deep inner pain washed over him. _I don't think I ever will understand it - my heart is too dark._

Seeing the ambassador flinch, Vir stepped closer. "Are you okay, Londo?" He gasped softly when he saw a small tear gleaming beneath Londo's eye. It rolled slowly down his cheek, leaving a wet trail, and finally dropped onto his coat.

"I do not know, Vir," Londo answered honestly.

"We should go," the aide decided. "This is upsetting you."

For a moment Londo was silent, then he said firmly, "No." He wanted to stay. So they stayed. Londo's eyes remained shut as he took in the music, sighing in awe at its beauty, but feeling uneasy at the same time. There was something haunting about it - perhaps it was because it reminded him of his many failings. He felt unworthy to listen to something so pure and good. He was a man with so much blood on his hands, so much darkness in his soul. _That is why I am damned, _he realised. _I've damned myself through my own selfish ambition. But... but it's too late to change that now. All I can do is continue down this path and see where it leads. May the Great Maker forgive me._

Finally, the singing stopped, and Londo turned to face Vir. There was a look in his eyes which the aide had never seen before. It was resolved, yet sad, and there was a hint of contemplation present. "That was lovely, yes?" Vir nodded. Londo then let out a sigh. "There are forty-nine gods in our pantheon, Vir. To tell you the truth," he shrugged, "I've never really believed in any of them. But if just one of them exists..." His voice cracked for a moment, and he seemed overcome with sadness. "...then God sings with that voice."

That music was so pure, so untainted - it was a kind of goodness he knew he would never experience or understand.

_Great Maker, forgive me._


End file.
